One of the hardest things I had to do was leave my firstborn when he was four months old to return to work. Working overnight to resuscitate and care for other babies was hard knowing my baby was still not sleeping through the night and would be looking for me when he woke up. Let me tell you if mom guilt was a person - it would be me! I knew I was not alone though. Many of my friends and other professional women with families face this. For much of the first year of his life, the inner turmoil was real. I started to second-guess my career choice; the timing of my decision to have a child and on and on. I mean, I had the exemplar of a woman who did it all in my mom. She raised my two sisters and I as a single mom while working full-time and pursuing her PhD. She did it with such grace and honestly made it look so easy. I soon realized however that it looked much easier than it was. And isn't it like that with most things? 

I no longer lose sleep over mom guilt now. This did not happen suddenly. I did not just wake up one morning mom guilt free. But gradually, I have come to appreciate three very important truths.  

1. Children only know what they know. 

My sons know mommy works. They know I leave early in the morning (sometimes before they wake). They know to give me kisses and hugs before I go and run to greet me every day I come home. They know when I come home that it is their time - to play, and cuddle and say mama and mommy one hundred times. That is their reality, and they only know what they know. In my mind, I could fantasize other realities that have me with them more in the days and I can feel sad about that. I could create stories that I work too hard and am not a good mom because I am not around more often. But they don't think these thoughts that run through my brain. All they know is mommy works and that when she comes home, they have me all to themselves and I know they are happy about that. 

2. The quality of time I spend with my boys is more important than the quantity.

Presence. Presence. Presence. Being present with my boys when I am physically with them is powerful and transformative. I believe it heightens their joys and cements their happy memories. Being present is not easy for me. Between the distraction of my phone (whatsapp, social media etc) and processing sometimes challenging days at work, I admittedly am not as present as I would like to be. But I know when I am it is truly transformative so I strive to achieve this daily. 

3. I can only be a great mother to my boys if I am a good person to myself. 

My default has always been to serve. To serve my patients, my husband, my extended family and my boys. I have not been good at serving myself. In the last year however, I got to the point of burn out - trying to juggle it all. I now know that there is nothing more important than serving myself first. A big part of that is getting restful sleep consistently - it reduces my anxiety, poor eating and maladaptive stress response. It makes me a better doctor, wife and mom. Restful sleep is without a doubt my superpower! 

So instead of losing sleep over mom guilt, I harness sleep as a superpower to make me a better mom! 

Are you harnessing your superpower by prioritizing and planning for good quality and good quantity sleep?